Transcription: An Unintended Testimony

Posted on April 6, 2014

This was a video recording from a time ago:

TRANSCRIPTION OF AN UNINTENDED TESTIMONY

A Small Introduction About This Message |January 31, 2014 4:33 a.m.

I was just listening to music one day in 2013, as I often do for my own personal therapy and decided to play with the webcam APP to record myself as I often do for the kids (my grandbabies) who live apart from me. I stumbled upon those songs and shortly afterwards this effort of fun play became a heartfelt message unintentionally.  Oh, y’all know I have tried for quite some time to figure out how to edit it, so that only the message would remain but in my efforts, I could not figure it out so I never released it.  However, this morning nearly a year later, I figured it out.

Tonight or rather this morning, back in my playlist just grooving to some melodies that my mom shared with me…I stumbled across it again, listened to it and decided it is time to share it because that is when I was lead to step out on faith and my L.I.F.E. mission ~Living In Faith Everyday’ took a dramatic turn. That was the week I began to re-write Axioms & Acronyms for L.I.F.E.  in eBook format, too.

Note: Read this transcript for a minute while it plays or if at all possible skip to 5:58 on the player where I began to speak about another song ,“I don’t know Why I Love You…But I Do” and began the unintended message TRANSCRIBED below (Stevie Wonder, n.d.).

About the note above: Originally, I intended to release the full video because as I mentioned earlier, I couldn’t quite figure out the edit process. I prayed about it again, found the other program, and edited it from there. Therefore, the singing portion mentioned below is no longer available for this share.  However, it is included in a brief mention below.

Lauryn Hill is one of my most favored poets/singer/songwriter’s and my muse for writing the more weighted material. It is hard to believe I am actually releasing this video but after yesterday’s rumination on the insensitivity and inconsideration of others to my pain among others who share similar or any pains or issues of their own, I am finding a certain peace with letting go of the things (not meant for the box) which have held me captive for such a long time.

Beginning Transcript…

Sorry Lauryn…Part of Another place in time. I am no singer at all but I am really feeling this Lauryn Hill today. I’m not looking for any kind of substantiation today. Oh well….

Music plays “Killing Me Softly” as I try to enjoy and sing along….

TIME & HARVEST… January 31, 2014 |4:41 a.m. | Growth…Stepping Out in FAITH

PAUSE….  A BRIEF INTERMISSION

(A Tiny Confession of Fault & Fear) James 5:16 KJV

It was so much going on in my mind and heart that day that I wanted to escape so I began my playlists. I was hesitant about sharing this publicly because of fear of what people might say about it and me. I have had an issue with how I appear to others for quite some time and suffered from agoraphobia.  Especially with the dental issues. I have a degenerative bone disorder, which made my teeth fragile and some of the ones that remain are partially broken.  The ones that are missing I either lost behind domestic violence or had to have them removed for medical safety.  I haven’t had substantial income for quite some time now to finish repair work, but enough about that, I just thought to disclose it for the judgmental folk who may come across this video message.

 

SEED… March 20, 2013 | 12:47 a.m. | Time & Date of Video & Message Creation

It was never my intention to share this message publicly but as I was recording it, something came over me. I prayed about sharing it as is too because I know how cruel people can be on the internet. So for argument’s sake let me repeat “I am not a singer of this you can tell pretty much…I was playing around with my webcam & trying to get through a very rough day.

One of my children was hospitalized today, I lost a dear friend whom I really love & I have had musculoskeletal body aches (spasms & soft tissue / nerve pain) for the past two days w/associated drama & stress, plus dealing with toothaches.

Now before you point out cruelties about my appearance (teeth and all); I am already aware of my gap(s). I lost two teeth via damage to them from domestic violence and my speech is slurred with a lisp due to a mini-stroke. I could not afford to get them fixed when it happened because every dime I made went towards raising my six kids alone. No, they (my kids) did not have the best of everything but they had what was necessary and what I could provide without having to depend on a welfare system.

When they were grown, my income was depleted.  Having to start again; learning to tolerate immobility; the pains from my diagnoses of varying disorders; recovering from humiliation after having survived uterine cancer to the tune of an early total hysterectomy with early onset menopause, hot flashes, and all, was an additive to my existent battles via associated distress (my life). I have been praying through it since 2005, on and off of medications because I hate what medicines do to me mentally and physically. I have never used street drugs and I don’t care much for pharmaceuticals either. I’m nutsy all by my lonesome, I think.

PRESS PLAY…. (Remainder of Video Transcript)

You know I was listening to this other song on here, but it is a beat inside of my head.  I can’t get that song I out of my head by Stevie Wonder “I don’t know why but I love you” It made me think today. It is like it’s funny how a song can spark nostalgia from somewhere you have never been but then it is just like déjà vu, seemingly you have.

Umm so much hurt…to, just try to get thru the pain. it is like doubled. So I wonder & I pray…um I reference God as LOVE & I go you know… “LOVE what do you want my heart to do?

…& umm I am trying to get over depression, anxiety, fear…umm emptiness so umm a lot of nights my pillow counts my tears & my dreams are filled with wishes. Wishing I could take back all the years & they include my sorted hurts and pain, constantly, constantly, constantly, being abused, misunderstood, mistreated, taken for granted & ignored,

Just when you think you have experienced and gone thru everything that life has to throw at you; you try to roll with the punches. I wasn’t always like this. Not at all; I have always loved nature, loved to exercise, and always loved to work hard for what I wanted & for what I needed.

then one day after one of my exercise routines pain struck me. I didn’t know where it was coming from or what it was; and it took some years for them to diagnose me and the hurt started all over again.

I had to try to get people to understand how bad my body aches in all places. Taking so many, medications, & they don’t help…really wanting to get over this disorder. I was already a moody person & now I’m just all over the place emotionally.

So when I talk to you guys about when I am talking about God & love, that’s my personal relationship with God. I’m just sharing. I can’t judge anyone for & I can’t make anyone do anything… they don’t want to do.

But I do know that God loved me enough to keep me even in this minute… so that I won’t harm myself & that I won’t harm others. because with all the pain that I feel inside and that I have experienced from men & females, (paused in thought)…people that call themselves your so called friends, that misuse you, abuse you, ignore you, just as I said before…it’s a hurting feeling.

even though it was hard raising my kids by myself I tried to do everything that I knew how & not what Sally, Jane, Sue, Bob or Mary Joe knew but what I knew and I learned thru the process. I put my dreams on hold to do two people’s jobs at parenting. I had a lil help from some of my children’s grandparents at times but a lot of days, those pillows counted my tears.

But as I said when my wishes and dreams reached GOD’s ear & somewhere …I was lifted to just keep on fighting. So I guess what I’m saying to yall today is we got to stop judging other people for any kind of reason because ain’t none of us perfect, none of us.

I forgave so many times, other people, for doing things to me that were so wrong.  …and the reason that I did so was for my love for GOD. because I knew if I’m going through so much hell here heaven just got to be a better place and I ain’t gonna lie it’s been tough.

I have had suicidal tendencies since nine years old…twice I tried to pull it off. Nobody put me in a mental health place nobody sent me any place. My mom did once but that because she wasn’t listening when I tried to tell her was going on but I love my mom & I hurt her too. I love my children.

You know yall young people got lots to learn if you don’t try to get an education and stay away from sex and fast money you’re headed for a very (very) interesting & perhaps hard life. I KNOW. But thankfully GOD sent me an angel who thought enough in those moments when I wanted to give up to pick up the phone and call me & tell me get up you can do it, look to GOD…that’s your help, that’s your strength.

Umm I’m sorry I real I’m a real overly sensitive person and I cry a lot but it helps me sometimes to think and it helps me a lot to sleep…it is my therapy. GOD is such an amazing (amazing) being to me and not in the biblical sense, and yes, I do love the Holy Bible & yes, I do read it & I try like hell to follow its statutes but I’m human and I err.  I make mistakes and sometimes, I repeat the same mistakes. But HE speaks to me and every day. I love HIM for it ‘cause when you have dedicated 29-30 years of your life towards a goal that you never intended to have and all of sudden it is gone; there is a new emptiness that takes over.

That’s a lot of years to try to wade through, so you give up sometimes on yourself, on others and live in a fantasy for too long because you studied wrong. I been hurt so many times I don’t know what reality is. I don’t know some days if I am coming or if I am going… but I just know that GOD is real, HE listens, HE cares, HE provides.

Besides my six children and eight grandchildren, my family; I had 4 people in my life that seemed like the crutches that I use today that will hold me up, keeping me from falling…because GOD spoke thru those people to me often.

My friend when I was hurting & we would talk and he would listen that was my cousin the devil stole him… and Steve he had this laugh man…we used to do crazy stuff,  but he was cool you know. But that was a long time ago and I was young then …I needed a friend then somebody who wasn’t trying to mistreat & misuse me whatever & the devil knew that he was a good friend and he stole him away through drugs and murder.  And so I tried, I went on…went to school, stayed in school, I stayed trying to read something. yall already know I talk a lot but umm I met my dad my real dad when I was about 12 & he was a good dad but I already had a dad, GOD bless me with a double portion with a father while it seemed like I was missing my mom. It wasn’t her fault because she didn’t know and she didn’t know how to listen to me.

Young people talk to your parents if they seem like they do not hear find a way or a means, to sit them down and be heard, not violently or angrily…PRAY for divine intervention & tell them what’s going on with you, don’t hold any of that in because it is damaging, it really is.

Now I’ve been molested so many times that I lost count. So I never knew what love relationship was supposed to be or what is was supposed to contain so I lived a very promiscuous life just wanting to be loved. You know what; I found a lot of lust and a lot of lies looking for it in my way.

I had a beautiful auntie my favorite auntie Glo.  I used to always say when I get to her age, I want to be beautiful just like she was…and she had it altogether working hard, family and organized she taught me how to hide my scars and my bruises. And so many nights…I went to work… & I hate makeup…but I’m wearing it now but she told me how to apply it so that it wouldn’t bring attention to my black eyes and my lip…which is still messed up but I can’t do nothing about it but she died. She died umm…I think the year before or the year after my dad died.

When he died I lost it, I LOST it… everybody was gone. Nobody left except for my grandma, and I prayed a hundred million times every night Please Lord Please Lord watch over Madear keep her safe, well, healthy, keep her happy, I prayed, I prayed, I prayed because this lady was an angel sent from heaven.  …and I don’t care what nobody else got to say about it either, I really don’t. She was my angel and she was my intercessor. I thank GOD for her in my life and I miss her so much ‘because right now I could really use that phone call to tell me what to do today. But umm, and that’s person number three my Madear.

I could say person number four was myself. I talk a lot. General… generally, I am normally a happy-go-lucky kind of a person, but I wanted you guys to know that I am not on here trying to get fame, I’m just trying to live and I’m just trying to make it and its hard. When you want to go and you can’t, it’s not a cop-out and I don’t mean physical places because I go places. I’m saying when you want to step out on faith and you want to go …where you did not have someone push you to go and do see or say. But after you’ve been hurt so many times, it’s like a wall you see everything that you want, you see everything that you need, or you see everything that is right there for the taking. But this transparent wall…you keep walking into it boom! Boom! Boom! you keep running into it. All I can say is I guess every time I have experienced hurt and pain from the hands of a man it builds hatred.  …and I’m not a hateful person so I’m torn in my own little world because I’ve got so much love inside of me to show and give and share with the world, but I don’t know how. …So I guess today is my one-step towards figuring it out.

I don’t want to hate people because of what other people have done to me. & I don’t want you young people and you old people too because a lot of yall can stand to learn a lot too & stop being stuck in your ways and set in your ways where you can’t hear… because you’re thinking you’re wise because you’re older because  old does not mean wise. Wise means you’ve got some kind of knowledge. I am not going to sit up here and talk to you about nothing that I have not read upon or studied or something. Let me tell you it’s a lot of ways that we can go to hell…and I might be bound there from everything that I have done in my past to rebel against things that were done to me in my younger past. But I don’t regret the knowledge that it has given me but I do have some reserves about the feelings of displacement that it has on me and my life and my activities.

When somebody hurts you… oh man when somebody hurts you and you did nothing to deserve it, it’s like a wrecking ball coming full force at your heart.  and …it scatters…you pick up the pieces pull ‘em together but it is so many lines, so many cracks & crevices that love will seep out here, here, there… there in the wrong way. So you keep trying to pull em those pieces…pull to put it back together again. So you say I’m going to lock it up and you place your heart in a box, lock it up, and lock it away. You treat the world, family, friends, and anybody you come in contact with…with a cold shoulder.  …because you have no emotions, because you have no feelings and because you’re just set out to do the one thing that you’re not supposed to do and that’s “hate.” so today my message is LOVE even when you want to hate…just love because GOD is love.

If you don’t love, you’re not of GOD that is what the word says, you know. Every word of GOD… the bible that I share with you guys, is from my own personal study, because I have been to so many different types of denominations and churches and different things and had different things to occur to deter me from my personal relationship with GOD. But umm I think that’s why HE said to trust in HIM with all your heart and not to lean towards your own understanding but w/ everything that you do all your ways everything, good, bad, ugly…everything it doesn’t matter, acknowledge God and let HIM direct you. I know one thing, under HIS direction, when I have been submissive to HIS will everything has been A.O.K.

But when I have tried to take matters into my own hands, boom that wrecking ball comes again seeking to kill steal and destroy my life. But I say to you today SATAN, boldly “I am LOVED; my life is LOVE, living in faith every day.”

You knock me down, HE picks me up, you brush me aside HE comforts me, you make me cry HE wipes my tears….you put me in worry HE says don’t fear and you allow me to suffer lack, poverty, shame … HE provides because HE is royalty and HIS blessings reign and you can’t stop them. So I say to you Satan, get thee behind me I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. I am Loved. Thank you Guys.

The Video is visible at our sister site via the Inspirations Etc Online Catalog Boutique (member only) or on YouTube: An Unintended Testimony

Intricate Testimony details about what brought this on are also available in my autobiographical format in Adorya Nya’Laso White’s softcover series entitled “WHISPERS”  The book is filled with my testimonies, poetry, and some ruminations about the lessons and blessings of my coined mantra for LIFE ~Living In Faith Everyday. It is diary format with an impromptu feel. It in itself is another testimony being the first publication in print followed by a second version which just shares some intrinsic yet transcendental conjectures. Great read for rainy days, lunch breaks, or for referencing how I got through incestual molestation & rape,  cancer, pain disorders, and generational curses, spiritual attacks and acronyms and paradigms. I wrote during the most difficult time of my life (confined to bed due health reasons) unable to work and in need of financial help. It could have been categorized under short stories but I thought I would be dead soon after writing it so I put everything I thought of within its pages to shed light on the disparities and triumphs in my life (I was battling suicidal vexations of thought and behavior) and I wanted someone to know what I had experienced and know why I give GOD the glory in all things!

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“Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God;” (2 Timothy 1:8 KJV).